By John Helmer, Moscow

It’s possible to imagine that when Kornei Chukovsky wrote about crocodiles telephoning Moscow for take-out galoshes to eat (1926), or about the bear who beat up a crocodile and saved the sun from his jaws (1916), he was doing something secret and political for adults, instead of making children laugh and learn to read. It’s even possible to interpret Osip Mandelstam’s children’s book, Two Trams (1925), as a coded attack on Lenin’s definition of five years earlier — “Communism is Soviet power plus the electrification of the whole country.”

For those in the west who hate Russia, it’s anathema to suppose there ever was a time – tsarist past, communist past, or post-communist present – when Russians of any age smiled, either inadvertently or sentimentally, for the fun of it. This must be the reason why a newly published album of illustrations from Russian children’s books published between 1920 and 1935 recommends the artfulness of the works and designs, but feels obliged at the same time to castigate the country and regime in which they were produced.*
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by John Helmer - Monday, January 13th, 2014
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By John Helmer, Moscow

Once upon a time, not so long ago, the United States and Russia appeared to agree that the President of Tajikistan, Emomali Rahmon, was a crook.

It now appears that whatever government officials say in private, in public it is now US policy, along with that of the multilateral banks which the US dominates, that Rahmon’s reputation is to be protected, enhanced even. By contrast, United Company Rusal, Russia’s state aluminium monopoly, is turning up the public pressure on Rahmon with threats to expose his private money-box in the British Virgin Islands unless he pays two court-ordered judgements for a total of $347 million.
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by John Helmer - Monday, January 13th, 2014
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By John Helmer, Moscow

This year the Moscow School of Management at Skolkovo is planning to publish what it calls a market atlas of the jobs and professions which will be newly needed by the year 2020, and those needed no longer. One of the new ones is what the Skolkovo atlas calls a cyber-cleaner (кибердворник). This is a specialist in removing from the internet and all digital data archives whatever information someone pays to have cleaned or deleted entirely. One of the professions the cyber-cleaners will replace, according to the atlas, is journalism.

That’s just six years away. But for at least a handful of the Skolkovo school’s coordination council — Roman Abramovich, Alexander Abramov, Alexander Voloshin, Anatoly Chubais – none too soon. So ask yourself the question — will they too be cleaned or washed up this year, or by 2020? For the answer, a little old-fashioned journalism may go a long way. Read on.

by John Helmer - Sunday, January 12th, 2014
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By John Helmer, Moscow

Having destroyed Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and Syria, the next big event for the regime-changers of the western media will be the Downhill at Sochi. If our brave reporters can’t find sexual disorientation and repression, they will provoke it during the Pair Skating. The Canadians will discover the Federal Security Service rigged the rocks in the Curling. The Team Luge winners will unveil Pussy Riot balaclavas under their helmets on the medal podium. The Russian ice-hockey team will be proof of President Vladimir Putin’s macho if they win gold; and of the shemasculinity of western democracy if they lose. Russian security police will be captured on a Youtube clip gone viral when they try clubbing to death images of Boris Berezovsky and Alexander Litvinenko projected by laser on to the slope during the Grand Slalom. The Mossad will issue a robust denial that its agents slipped a virus into the event timing and scoring computer programmes. A Ukrainian flag will be dropped by a stealth drone on to the dignatories box during the Closing Ceremony. The London Times and Fox Television will sum up, following proprietor Rupert Murdoch’s tweet, SOCHI – SUCH IGNOMINY!!! Russian journalists who turn a blind eye to these scoops will be disqualified from applying for Harvard University’s Nieman Fellowship.
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by John Helmer - Friday, December 27th, 2013
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By John Helmer, Moscow

For as long the Russian tax man can remember, Oleg Deripaska has managed to keep his tax bill far below his Russian peers in the metals business. As national champions go, Deripaska is it for tax minimization. In good years or bad years, whether the London Metal Exchange price for aluminium is high or low, Deripaska’s tax has always gone through the floor. In 2003, a federal Tax Ministry report discovered that Rusal was paying income tax at just 2% of revenues. The percentage rose to 4% in 2006, but it has been diving ever since. In 2007, it was 3.1%; in 2008, 0.4%; 2009, 2.1%; 2010, 1.9%; 2011, 3%. Last year his tax rate was 0.2%. This year, according to Rusal’s interim report for the first nine months, tax is running at 0.97%.

How Deripaska has been able to pull off a trick no other major Russian company has managed has been no secret all these years. Three words do the trick – tolling, transfer pricing, offshorization. On December 12, President Vladimir Putin said enough is enough. His offer – either Deripaska brings Rusal onshore and pays Russian tax on his revenue, or else he loses the state banking credits which have kept Rusal from bankruptcy since November 2008. Either way, Deripaska looks washed up.
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by John Helmer - Thursday, December 26th, 2013
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By John Helmer, Moscow

So far everything about the metamorphosis of Mikhail Khodorkovsky has gone like the cartoon – surprise launch into the air; flight without turbulence; soft landing among a flock of wellwishers; much cooing.

Just how well those wishers intend towards Khodorkovsky, and he towards them, is now to be tested. That’s a game even more Olympian than the one to be inaugurated in Sochi on February 7; or the one which those who hate President Vladimir Putin have yet to appreciate he’s playing.
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by John Helmer - Monday, December 23rd, 2013
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By John Helmer, Moscow

Never let it be said that in Russia deeds done out of the goodness of the heart go unnoticed by the state. Nup. Not even when philanthropies are paid for with cash accumulated in violation of the state’s policy of deoffshorization. Nup, nup. There is even a special award minted by the Kremlin and intended to recognize the good which offshorizers do in friendship for Russia. Called the Order of Friendship, the ribbons are blue and black, colours which appear on no flag of any country in the world, and symbolize thereby the freedom of the blue sky and the black hole in which we are all obliged to dwell beneath.
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by John Helmer - Monday, December 23rd, 2013
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By John Helmer, Moscow

It was a specialty of the Chicago Irish at the turn of the 20th century. A Mickey Finn was a drug that was slipped into your cocktail without your knowing, in order to incapacitate you. When you came to, the only thing you knew was that you were missing your valuables. The eponymous Mickey Finn was a pickpocket who built his capital into a thriving business as the proprietor of the Lone Star Saloon and Palm Garden on the corner of Dearborn and Harrison Streets. (It’s a Starbucks nowadays. The girls Mickey used as lures now drink skinny lattes.)

Maxie Finn, aka Maxim Finsky (left front), is eponymous too. He is a childhood friend of Mikhail Prokhorov (left back), and he has been employed by him to buy assets on the cheap; consolidate them into special purpose vehicles which the two of them then try to resell. They’ve had one signal success. That was when Prokhorov jointly controlled Norilsk Nickel, Russia’s largest mining company, with Vladimir Potanin. Finsky was employed to spend Norilsk Nickel’s money on buying goldmining assets at premium prices before they were spun off and separately listed as Polyus Gold. Finsky spent foolishly, or worse, read this. But no matter. The rise of the price of gold drove the share price of Polyus Gold ten times and more above the amount paid for its assets. For the ups and downs in that decade-long story, read here.
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by John Helmer - Friday, December 20th, 2013
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By John Helmer, Moscow

Evraz, the steelmaking group owned by Roman Abramovich (third figure from left) and Alexander Abramov (fourth from left), has just issued a notice to the Johannesburg Stock Exchange that it has been unable to complete the proposed sale of its South African unit, Highveld Steel & Vanadium, by a December 31 deadline. First announced on March 27, the heavily indebted Evraz said the terms of sale for its 85% shareholding in Highveld called for the acquiror, a South African company called Nemascore, to pay a purchase price of $320 million. Prior to the deal announcement, the Evraz stake had been valued in the market between $106 million and $135 million. Since March the market value of the stake has failed to reach 50% of the transaction price; it is currently just $138.4 million.

The new announcement acknowledges that closure of the sale has been postponed three times already, and that six cautionary notices have been issued to the Johannesburg market. Neither Evraz nor Nemascore has explained the reasons for the delay, claiming this is prevented by a non-disclosure agreement covering their deal. In its December 19 announcement, Evraz claims that a “due diligence process is still progressing”, and that the “Transaction is expected to be concluded towards the end of Q1 2014.” The story of Nemascore and its ties to the South African President, Jacob Zuma, can be read here.
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by John Helmer - Friday, December 20th, 2013
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By John Helmer, Moscow

Lights! Camera! Action!
Oleg Deripaska, chief executive of the Russian state aluminium monopoly Rusal (title image), calls his security men to a meeting in a soundproof room he’s decorated with a collection of west African masks on the walls. Clicketty-click the subtitle rolls on to the screen, MOSCOW 2009. “Whaddya know about Levinson?” he barks softly. “Who we know in Tehran? Whad’ll it cost us to spring him? Don’t come back if you’ve got nothing.” Deripaska’s threat fades to inaudibility. That’s the cue for the agents, veterans of the old KGB and GRU, to slip wordlessly away, their faces locked in hatchet grins.

Cut to the bar at the Hilton—clicketty-click: TYSONS CORNER, VIRGINIA, 2009 — suspended glass, flashy steel, gold lighting, cocktail chatter. A woman arrives out of breath, complaining to the man and the woman who are already seated, staring into their short bourbons instead of looking up. “Sorry”, she sputters. “Dolley Madison was backed all the way up.” “What’s this about the Russian?” the man whines. “Awright already”, she says. “We need one to catch one. Deripaska says he can buy Levinson out of Iran. Do we task him?”
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by John Helmer - Tuesday, December 17th, 2013
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