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By John Helmer, Moscow

Having destroyed Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and Syria, the next big event for the regime-changers of the western media will be the Downhill at Sochi. If our brave reporters can’t find sexual disorientation and repression, they will provoke it during the Pair Skating. The Canadians will discover the Federal Security Service rigged the rocks in the Curling. The Team Luge winners will unveil Pussy Riot balaclavas under their helmets on the medal podium. The Russian ice-hockey team will be proof of President Vladimir Putin’s macho if they win gold; and of the shemasculinity of western democracy if they lose. Russian security police will be captured on a Youtube clip gone viral when they try clubbing to death images of Boris Berezovsky and Alexander Litvinenko projected by laser on to the slope during the Grand Slalom. The Mossad will issue a robust denial that its agents slipped a virus into the event timing and scoring computer programmes. A Ukrainian flag will be dropped by a stealth drone on to the dignatories box during the Closing Ceremony. The London Times and Fox Television will sum up, following proprietor Rupert Murdoch’s tweet, SOCHI – SUCH IGNOMINY!!! Russian journalists who turn a blind eye to these scoops will be disqualified from applying for Harvard University’s Nieman Fellowship.

Alas, Gay Boots is too sexually disoriented to be competitive in the Pair Skating. He loses, and in his impotence, he brings an avalanche down on himself. Watch closely now:

Just you wait, 2014! Ну, погоди!

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