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Two thousand years ago, in the northern reaches of what is today called Scotland, the Picts frightened the Romans by a combination of superior fighting tactics, lurid body painting, and the size of their genitals. Defeat the Romans they did, as this medieval illustration shows. They also forced the Emperor Hadrian into building, further south, his famously expensive Wall to keep the Picts from getting in, and taking Roman cattle out.

In the nether reaches of London today, there are few surviving Picts; and the fear of the Romans causes to shrivel anyone exposing his privates in battle. Except, that is, for the most of powerful of all progenitive organs, the eye – the Private Eye. Here’s an excerpt from this week’s edition, as more Roman heads roll.


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